The Suburb Woman
Can't Sleep ... Keeping Hope Alive
Posted on March 8th, 2015

A great photo that captures the courage and resilience of this beautiful man I'm so blessed to be sharing life with...

Since I can't sleep and I haven't felt much like being philosophical, I will share a brief update... February might go down as the hardest month in my life. Yes, even worse than Christmas and January. Much worse than even the few months following the diagnosis and surgery in 2013 and early '14. 

Up until this past week, I've been trying to convince my heart to build a wall and prepare to start letting go. It's been really hard and Michael has been so weak. I shared with a pastor friend that God knows I love him, but I haven't felt like talking. He smiled and said, "then you have a real relationship." The only illustration I keep thinking of is my kids and I are standing on tracks where a locomotive is barreling toward us and I can't stop it or move so I'm constantly bracing for the impact.

When I'm ready, I'll write and I'll share more. However, in the last 24 hours I've felt hope. He has went days where he just slept, needed assistance with everything, and we have talked about stopping treatments in lieu of our desire for quality. But, he said today is the best he's felt since this damn thief came back. 

The next MRI is March 20 and we'll decide based on results if we buckle back down for another six week round. Pray the news is good. Pray his strength and new fortitude continues. Pray for rest and comfort for us. Pray I'll close my eyes at night instead of listening to him breathe. Pray for my kids, our kids. Pray for my parents who help everyday.

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